Mens mental health is a topic I can’t stop thinking about. Every time I hear about a male suicide it breaks my heart and shakes me to the core. It leaves me wondering what we can do as a society to stop this from happening. I can’t accept that it’s the biggest killer of young men, it doesn’t feel right. I decided to do some research on toxic masculinity because I want to understand what we can all do to help. I read ‘For the love of men’ by Liz Plank and want to share a few things I learnt. This is important for everyone to read – men and women, mums and dads, husbands and wives. We all play a part in toxic masculinity and we all need to do more to save the men we love.
An inability to show emotions
It’s no surprise that in every age bracket men supress their emotions far more than women do. And universal consensus amongst academics is that suppressing your emotions is one of the most damaging experiences for a human being to endure. But why does this happen?
From a young age we plant messages such as “boys don’t cry”, “be strong”, “don’t let them know it hurt you”. Boys are not less emotional or empathetic than girls, they simply show less ability and comfort expressing these emotions because they are encouraged not to from a young age. Of course, when you don’t share your feelings, they don’t simply go away, they just come out in different (unhealthy) ways.
Mix an inability to cope with emotions with a reluctance to seek help (men are taught asking for help is a sign of weakness) and you have the perfect- and lethal – mix for a mental health crisis. So maybe we need to start encouraging boys to show their emotions from a young age rather than asking them to supress them.
What is masculinity?
Modern masculinity is broken down into four components: autonomy, achievement, aggression and stoicism. I’m sure many of us can relate to this unconscious image of a masculine man. Stoicism (the endurance of pain or hardship without the display of feelings or complaint) particularly encourages a disconnection from feelings and vulnerability, which increases the disconnection from emotional states for men. This blocked emotional state impacts men’s health. I’ve done a lot of personal work on my own blocked emotions and know the physical and metal impact they have. I can only imagine how many men are living in these blocked emotional states.
Men feel compelled to hide depression from their partners and families because it clashes with expectations of this ideal image of masculinity. It’s really worrying that men would rather place themselves at risk than acknowledge physical or emotional distress. Surely this means it’s time to look at ‘masculinity’ and whether it’s healthy.
Are boys and girls that different?
From what I’ve read, I’d say the answer is not really. The fact that we believe in these innate differences between boys and girls – that boys are tough and less emotional and girls are soft and better caregivers becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Children learn that they are expected to exhibit certain traits and therefore go onto exhibit them. We mould our children into specific gender roles, but this doesn’t mean they were born that way.
Our social interactions from a young age have a lasting impact on the shaping of our brains, which means regardless of our gender, our brains are not hardwired. The idea that ‘boys will be boys’ just doesn’t seem to be true – it’s the way we teach them. Can you imagine a boy learning to understand their emotions, be empathetic and care for others from an early age? What a beautiful world we would live in.
Relationships
Human connection is one of the biggest indicators of life expectancy, and we can never ignore the importance of healthy relationships on our overall health. Research shows that the more socially isolated you are, the more likely you are to die early. It also showed that subjects who were the best at dealing with their emotions in a healthy way (without resorting to denial, avoidance or projection) had the strongest support systems, which also correlated with longer life expectancy.
But toxic definitions of masculinity make it harder for men to develop and maintain simple relationships. If you aren’t trained to understand your own emotions, it’s fairly predictable that you’ll have difficulty understanding the emotions of others. Emotional Intelligence is a muscle that never gets developed in men the same way it is for women.
Emotional vulnerability is not a sign of being weak; it’s one of the essential and key strengths of any healthy relationship. But if men are getting the message that showing emotion is bad, 'feminine', or weak and that means they’ll be less valuable in the dating world and will be publicly shamed for being “soft”, the results can be devastating for their intimate relationships. The irony is that demanding men to be tough actually makes them weaker emotionally. And to add to this, the men who had the strongest relationships were the ones who were more emotionally engaged with their partners. This begs the question; is it really a weakness to show emotional maturity in a relationship, or are you just damaging something important to you?
Friendships
Men have the ability, the need and the desire to form deep and intimate friendships just as much as women, but toxic masculinity limits friendships because it keeps things superficial. Men pretend they have it all figured out when they are around each other, rather than showing vulnerability.
I read about the male intimacy paradox: while men report wanting more vulnerability from their friends, they aren’t asking for it. Half of men report that they don’t speak about their personal problems and report craving closer connection with those male friends. This idea that masculinity mysteriously strips away the basic human need for vulnerability, closeness, intimacy and connection is not only untrue, it also leads to an internalisation of shame when men have those needs and an inability to properly manage them. Men can feel embarrassed when those needs occur. The feeling of shame and embarrassment can lead to withdrawal, which can be really dangerous for a man’s mental health. It needs to be known that it’s natural for ALL human beings to crave intimacy and connection with ALL genders.
This behaviour is not innate, its learned. Boys do not start out this way. Boys and girls approach friendship in a very similar way until they become teenagers. If idealised masculinity instructs men to never be vulnerable, avoid intimacy with other men and to never admit needing anything from anyone, it makes sense that friendship would become difficult to develop and sustain.
Looking back at history men used to be much more comfortable being loving with each other, but then homophobia happened, and the term ‘homosexuality’ became an identity associated with a mental disorder. This transformation was abrupt and had wide-ranging consequences on men. Showing affection toward another man became feared rather than an innocent action and men adjusted their behaviour accordingly to avoid being punished.
Double Standards
Women have long been the inferior gender. Just look at the uneasiness with boys playing with anything that could be attributed or associated with girls. This relies on a fundamental belief that cuts across society: that being feminine is a weakness. If there was nothing wrong with femininity, no one would be worried about men exploring it. Clearly women have suffered at the hands of men for a long time, but that’s not to say that women don’t play a part in toxic masculinity.
While we’re comfortable with women existing outside of the bounds of femininity and celebrating the ‘alpha female’, we’re not so comfortable with men existing beyond the bounds of masculinity. It’s almost as if men need to remain ultra-entrenched in masculine norms so it is okay for women to transgress the normal bounds of femininity and be assertive and dominant in their daily lives. This doesn’t seem fair to me. Women want their men strong and manly, but also want the opportunity to step into the alpha female role themselves. Perhaps it's time we let men explore their femininity a little more?
How about chivalry? Now I’ve thought about it I actually believe chivalry reinforces power and gender dynamics. By splitting everything equally instead it results in a much healthier relationship between two equal partners undefined by roles and rules that someone else has made up. Chivalry is unfair to men as we end up gender stereotyping. That’s not to say men should suddenly stop holding doors open etc., but why only reserve this behaviour for women? Why not treat men and women equally? If you’d hold a door open for a woman, why not do the same for a man? Chivalry is just courtesy and kindness and should be applied to all human beings.
Moving forward
The future of boys is riding on the current behaviour of men. It’s not just about helping fathers set a good example to their sons; it’s also about ensuring that all men take radical responsibility for the next generation of boys. Too much is at stake for them not to.
It’s time for us all to recognise that men experience emotional and mental turmoil. Many just don’t have the language to understand it, let alone talk about it. The male code has instructed them to keep it all inside, and that’s exactly what they do. The male code needs to be rewritten because it currently isn’t serving anyone. Who is actually benefitting from men not speaking about their emotions? Noone.
I love the men in my life and I also fear for them. I don’t want them to live in a world where they are not allowed to be human. Being human means feeling everything and not having to supress emotions because it’s not ‘manly’ enough.
“The strongest men are the ones that understand their weaknesses.” – Victoria Pineda.
I’d really recommend giving this book a read yourself – there are so many important ideas that I probably haven’t given enough justice to. This topic isn’t one we can ignore. How many more men do we have to see take their own lives, and how many women do we have to see abused at the hands of toxic masculinity?
Sending love to all the men who struggle talk about how they really feel,
Emma x
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