I always thought I knew who I was. I wore my positivity as a badge of honour and loved being known as the ‘happy one’. So when I was plunged into darkness and could no longer identify as this I felt lost. Why didn’t I feel positive and happy any more? It’s taken me a lot of therapy, self-development and inner work to uncover the true essence of who I am. I now know it’s not as simple as happy or sad and I embrace the full spectrum of being human. Although I’ve started dipping my toe into sharing some of my story, I feel more empowered than ever to take the next step.
When I was a child something bad happened to me. I didn’t tell a soul, I just kept it locked up inside, almost as if it didn’t happen. And I did this well for most of my life until the age of 28, where I couldn’t keep it in any more. It was affecting my life in ways I’d become so unaware of. You can’t keep darkness hidden inside and expect it to stay there undisturbed. It was the reason I was struggling, a big part of why I had lost myself. But when it’s something that happened over 20 years ago it’s hard to connect the dots. I’ve done a lot of therapy to work through this trauma and although it’s like an onion in that you need to keep peeling back the layers and healing from over and over again, I’d say I’ve done a pretty good job at accepting what happened.
One thing I didn’t really realise until these last few months however, is how it had robbed me of my voice. Staying quiet about my truth for so long had blocked my throat chakra. It caused me to want to hide in the shadows and never be in the spotlight. Don’t draw too much attention to yourself, it’s safer that way. For people who have met me, you’ll know I’m relatively unassuming and don’t try to take up too much space. But in reality, why shouldn’t I? This is where my new era starts.
I have finished an intensive 12 week course with the incredible Lucy Adams, uncovering who I truly am through the lens of astrology and human design and it’s been nothing short of transformational. There were many parts of my personality that didn’t always make sense to me, things about myself that seemed contradictory or unlike everyone else. But by studying myself in this new way it ALL MAKES SENSE. And what a relief to know I’m not mad, we’re all just unique and perfect as we are. I don’t need to try to be anything else, or like anyone else. I’m starting to feel a deeper sense of self love, because everything that I thought was broken about me is actually the way the universe intended me to be.
I came into this 12 week course not fully knowing what I would uncover, but wanting to gain more clarity on my life's purpose. I’ve known for a while that this is to help heal others, but I can say with such conviction now that this is undeniably my life’s work. It’s written all over my charts. What I didn’t expect is how much I’m meant to step into sharing my own voice.
Like I mentioned before, I hate being in the spotlight. All my work colleagues will tell you how much I dreaded speaking up in group meetings or having to present. But I now know this is exactly what I’m meant to do. I have lived experiences that will help others. I have empathic and healing qualities I need to share with the world. When I learnt that my Chiron placement (known as the "wounded healer" and considered to represent our deepest emotional and spiritual wounds) was in my third house of communication in Leo, something really clicked. Of course I struggle to stand in my full expression and share my voice - it’s written in the stars. My childhood experiences aren’t a coincidence. They are the wound I need to turn to wisdom. I need to find my voice and step into the light. I need to find that inner Leo energy and use my pain to help others.
Whereas before I wanted to build a holistic wellbeing platform and promote other healers whilst hiding myself in the background, I now know that power is actually in me stepping into the spotlight. Collaboration and working with others will always be fundamental to what I’m trying to do because I believe we’re stronger when we work together, but I’m less afraid to also stand at the front and be a leader. Without studying my charts I may have taken a lot longer to realise that this is possible for me. I may never have realised it at all.
There’s two messages I’d like you to take away if you’re reading this…
There is such power in knowing who you are, what you stand for and who you’re destined to be. We are not all cardboard cutouts of one another and we need to stop trying to fit into a mould. It’s making us unhappy and not allowing our individuality to shine through. If you’re forcing yourself to be someone you’re not, you will never feel truly at ease. There is nothing wrong with you, you are who you were always meant to be and you should embrace your uniqueness. But do you truly even know who that is? Maybe it’s time to find out…
There is such power in sharing your voice. Trauma sucks and bad things happen to a lot of us, but we don’t need to be a victim to our past. Just don’t keep it bottled up, it will come out eventually. Find a safe space to share your story. There is power in owning your story. Transmute the darkness into light. Your experiences do not have to define you, they can be the making of you.
All my love always,
Emma
留言