Loving someone who has mental health issues is hard. I know all too well (I know I wasn't the easiest person to love myself when I was at my lowest). I’m not trying to take anything away from the person suffering, because battling your mental health is no easy ride. But I also want to acknowledge the people who are on the other side. A lot of the time they are the silent sufferers. Not only is it heartbreaking to see someone you love struggling, but it inevitably starts to affect your own mental health too. So my reason for writing this… I hear you, I see you. I understand how difficult it is and you’re not alone. And for anyone reading this who is the person suffering with their mental health, I also see you. I’ve been on both sides, so there’s no judgement or blame here. I want this piece to raise awareness and start a conversation in the hope it can help repair and strengthen relationships. Whether romantic partners, mother and daughter, friends, brother and sister. This is for you.
I want to start by saying I have several people in my life who have suffered from both depression and addiction, and I love each and every one of them dearly. I would do anything to help them heal and take their pain away. But that can end up becoming the problem. When we love someone, we often end up putting their needs above our own. This may seem selfless and the right thing to do, but how much of yourself are you willing to give before it all gets too much?
I have spent a lot of time trying to save people. I somehow felt it was my responsibility to make it all better. I imagine a lot of people feel this way about people they love. But it’s not our responsibility. You are only responsible for your own mental health (and perhaps your young children but this is a different matter). You cannot control someone’s mind or actions. I was naïve to think I had the power to make it better and felt awful about myself when I couldn’t.
What is important is that the other person knows you are there to support them. You may not be able to heal them, but you can be that rock that they can lean on as they learn to heal themselves. When I've struggled myself, knowing that I had a support network who would be there to cuddle me and just listen was the most important thing. The actual healing work had to come from me, no-one else could save me.
Depression and addiction can be selfish. The person you love is not selfish, but the disease is. However, after a while it’s often hard to distinguish between the person and the disease. I would often take actions and words so personally, believing I was unlovable, that I was part of the problem. I would often doubt whether I was a good person, or if I was actually the selfish one. But I’ve done the inner work now, and I know it was never about me. On the flip side, when I was at my lowest, I didn't treat the people around me with as much love as they deserved. This wasn't who I was, it was the illness.
Hurt people, hurt people. I've done it, and I've had it done to me. In the past I continuously let myself get hurt by people I loved. I put myself in the firing line by trying to help but had it thrown back in my face over and over again. Why did I keep trying? Why did I keep putting myself through that? Out of love, because I have a deep longing to want to save people close to me. But the other person has to be willing to receive it, otherwise you're only hurting yourself.
It can also be really hard when someone you love doesn't show any interest in your life or ask how you are. They can demand everything from you but give nothing back in return. No relationship can survive one way. Eventually it will crack. It’s one of the most difficult decisions to take a step back from someone you love, and if you’ve come to this crossroads then I feel your pain. At what point do you decide that you want to start putting your own mental health first?
Setting boundaries is hard, and I can’t sugar coat it. The guilt and fear can be intense, especially when those boundaries are tested and you have to stand strong in your decision. I’ve been tested several times and I can’t lie – I’ve been close to breaking. You may feel selfish or think ‘I’m a bad person for putting myself first’. It may even feel uncomfortable in your body, but this is because your body isn’t used to having limits. If you’re in this position, and know you need to set boundaries with someone to protect your own mental health, then I just want to tell you this:
You don’t deserve to be treated badly by anyone, no matter who they are or what they are going through. Your mental health has to come first, or you won’t be the best version of yourself to those around you. It is never selfish to put your own mental health first, and if someone doesn’t understand or accept your boundaries then that is their issue to deal with. You can love someone but still need to take a step back, it doesn’t mean you don’t care. It’s also not your job to fix anyone. You should fully be there to support someone if they are willing to accept your help, but you will never be able to force it. Make sure they know how much you love them and wait with open arms for when they are ready, but don’t cause yourself suffering when they are not.
And for the person reading this who is on the other side (as I have also been):
You can heal and you will heal. People love you and want to help, you just have to let them in.
I don't want any of this to come across as insensitive. I'm sharing my own experience and I understand everyone's is different. Struggling with your mental health is fucking hard, and this by no means takes anything away from that. This isn't about blame. It's about love and understanding for everyone involved. Because mental health affects us all.
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