I met Phoebe at an online co-working event and we decided to set up a zoom call (Phoebe lives in China) to talk about self-love, a topic we both care deeply about. I loved Phoebe’s passion, and you can tell how much she embodies self-love. She opens up about her own experiences and shares some important lessons I think we can all benefit from hearing.
1. Sometimes you need to hit rock bottom first to truly learn the importance of self-love
I’d been living in China since 2016. I was trying to find myself in this new country and was trying to find my space there. I’d been in a relationship for 4 years, but in February 2020 the love of my life looks at me and says “don’t you think our lives would be better had we not met.” Those words broke my heart, it was my greatest fear. Despite living in a new country trying to find myself, I at least had this support system. When I had a bad day I had someone to talk to, and when I had a good day I had someone to tell. He was the center of my life, he was everything to me. He was MY LIFE.
All this time I’d been working towards our relationship, I’d been building everything for us, but giving nothing to myself, so those words sliced my heart open as I couldn’t fathom living in a world where I didn’t get a morning text, living in a world where it was just me. I graduated a few months later during the pandemic but couldn’t have any of my family there. I always thought after I’d graduated then everything else would be perfect. I had no idea I had something missing. I’d been a model, and now an Aeronautical Engineer but even with all these accolades nothing could fill this void. I remember being sat on my kitchen floor a few months later wondering how I got here? How had I spent so much time building a life with someone else without ever really knowing who I am, asking myself what do I really want? It was all a downward spiral. I kept asking myself where did I go wrong? I thought something was so wrong with me. I thought that if he didn’t want me it’s because I wasn’t good enough. But something that night on the kitchen floor shifted, as I typed into my laptop how to find yourself and a video popped up that changed the trajectory of my life. That rock bottom was the start of my self-love journey.
2. Don’t underestimate the power of mirror work
This woman, Lisa Nichols, in that video spoke about her depression but she also spoke about 3 things that she did to get out of it - one of the main ones being mirror work. Instead of sitting there waiting for someone else to come and save me, I crawled to the mirror, I looked in my eyes and said ‘Phoebe, I celebrate you for getting out of bed this morning. I celebrate you for choosing to still be here. I forgive you for losing yourself in someone else.’ The forgiveness took me down because there was so much to forgive. But I made a promise to myself to try this mirror work for 30 days. In that moment of brokenness I was willing to try anything. For 9 months straight I showed up in front of that mirror. It was the one practice that changed my life.
3. Everything is preparing you for your next best season
You would not be who you are today without what you’ve been through. You wouldn’t think how you think or act how you act. If I could erase all the pain, hell no. I would go through all of that again as painful as it was to be who I am today. In that moment on the kitchen floor I had no idea who I was, but right now when I look in the mirror I see my best friend, I see someone I want to spend the rest of my life getting to know. I enjoy my own company and I want to keep doing life with me. It’s been the greatest honour of my life getting to know me. I don’t have any regrets, I just have lots of lessons. And I no longer believe there’s such a thing as a wrong turn. Everything is happening for you for your breakthrough. My life before now was about trying to fill this void with everything external and seeking external validation. I don’t need that anymore.
4. Self-love is hard work
Working on yourself is hard. I thought I was going to learn loads of new things, but what I didn’t realise is that it's just as much about unlearning things. Unlearning the negative self-talk or how I react to other people. Unlearning is harder than learning something new because our brains have formed these beliefs over many many years. It’s also not a one and done. You don’t wake up one day and just love yourself. I’ve been on this journey for 3 years and there’s still days where I feel like I’m taking steps back. And whilst I really do love me, I still have those days where I feel lost. Self-love is a spectrum. Some days you will love yourself more than others. Some days you may find yourself silently shaming yourself. That doesn’t mean you don’t love yourself but you just need more time because there’s still things you need to unlearn. It’s something you need to keep working at, it’s a journey. You need the willingness and commitment to keep showing up, again and again, even if you stop for long periods. Give yourself a thousand second chances because you know you’re worth showing up for. That’s where the real progress happens - to keep coming back to the practice. Be compassionate with yourself that the journey won’t be perfect.
5. There’s one uncomfortable truth that no one likes to talk about when it comes to self-love
One truth that no one talks about when it comes to self-love is loneliness. People who are not on the journey will struggle to understand your self-love and can struggle to meet you on a deeper level where you now are. Friendships can begin to fall out of alignment. People who struggle to love themselves may require you to dim your own light and may not accept you showing up as all of you. People won’t always like you putting yourself first. It’s hard when it feels like no one gets you anymore. It is lonely when the people you thought understood you, no longer do. But on the flip side you begin to feel less lonely in your own company because you love spending time with you. Despite the loneliness, it’s so worth it. Self-love empowers you to do all the things you want to do. You have a constant reminder of someone who believes in you, loves you and is always rooting for you. The more love you have for yourself the more love you have to give others.
6. People have to come to self-love in their own time
No one can force you down the path of self-development and self-love. We all have our own journeys and trying to force someone to do it the same way as you doesn’t serve their journey. It’s taking away their lessons. Coaches cannot get someone over the bridge to wanting it, people have to want to do the work and then coaches can support them on that journey.
Phoebe is a force of nature and her positivity shines through. To see more of Phoebes work you can follow her on Instagram @selflovewithphoebe
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